“How lovely to think that no one need wait a moment, we can start slowly changing the world! How lovely that everyone, great and small, can make their contribution toward introducing justice straightaway…and you can always, always give something, even if it is only kindness!” – Anne Frank

Wise compassion

Having worked in elderly care, the phrase person-centred care is a staple of good practice and means tailoring support to the individual’s needs and preferences. It is the cornerstone of how homes tailor their care to each resident. Rose loves to paint every afternoon after lunch, June, a former schoolteacher loves stories and lights up when being read to, while David, once an avid gardener still potters in the greenhouse at every opportunity.

Empathy is at the heart of this care, so residents are not only able to do these activities, but a carer and resident sit together in the same patch of sunlight, in a shared space of warmth and presence. It’s in that shared experience, where they are equals and where the gift lies.

Recently, I overheard the grandson of a resident purposefully stopping the daughter of another relative as she was leaving and told her he remembered her mother as his swimming teacher from when he was a little boy. He recalled what a brilliant, compassionate instructor she had been, inspiring him to go on to compete at national level. “She was the best”, he said.

The daughter walked away with an instant glow in her heart and a deep sense of gratitude that a random stranger in this single sacred exchange, had brought that independent, ambitious mother from years gone by, alive. This interaction reminded her that despite her dementia diagnosis, her mum was still her mum and people still remembered her how she had existed and lived a full life, but that she also left an imprint on other peoples’ lives.

Digital noise is drowning our empathy

What if we extend this philosophy beyond the walls of care homes and the elderly? How often do we give the same intentional, tailored care to our everyday life and relationships? Maybe we really need to be more known by those around us and reach out and touch others with our time and compassion.

In an age of fast paced digital technology and social media, surprises are few and far between; we can hold gender reveal parties and ‘surprise’ everyone with the sex and name of our unborn baby months before he or she arrives into this world. Smartphones give us 24/7 access to people, news and answers. Google Earth and GPS eliminate any chance of getting lost or going off the beaten of track to discover a hidden gem and social media algorithms predict what we want and need before we even know what we want and need. Children’s play is structured and devoid of imagination and creativity and as Jonathan Haidt argues in his book, ‘The Anxious Generation’, in schools’ adult intervention in children’s conflicts has become commonplace. It seems that in both the sphere of childhood and adulthood, our interactions and day to day life are becoming less mysterious and more and more prescriptive.

Living in the digital age means it’s so easy to forget and overlook the importance of knowing someone.  To pause, be equals and bask in the warmth of care and kindness. We need:

• More spontaneity less script.

• More sharing less division.

• More feeling less blankness.

• More colour less grey

• More touch less distance

• More laughter less sadness

• More nature less clamour

• More me connecting with you

The psychology of kindness

In a 2020 article by the British Psychology Society, entitled ‘How being kind benefits us psychologically’, Dr Amra Rao lists numerous benefits to being kind. She talks about how the warm feeling of wellbeing following an act of kindness isn’t just in our head. It’s in our brain chemicals too. Studies have indicated the benefits of kindness affecting both the giver and the receiver as it increases positive biochemical responses in humans. Dr Rao goes onto to explain how kindness strengthens our social relationships and connectivity. A Harvard Business School study involving 136 countries found that societies, which were the most charitable and financially generous, had the happiest people.

The Mental Health Foundation survey for Mental Health Awareness Week 2020 2020 tells us that 72% of UK adults say it is important we learn to be a kinder society. 63% say that when people are kind to them, it has a positive impact on their mental health and the same number say that being kind to others has a positive impact on their mental health. 

Give the gift of feeling

Kindness does not need to be a mountain for it to be powerful. It does not need to be packaged in a beautiful, gift-wrapped box. We just need to reset our frequency to humankind. To pick up the phone to a relative living overseas, to surprise an elderly neighbour with an unannounced visit, to buy a poetry book for a poetry lover or to bake a cake just because. To write a handwritten thank you card, to just check in with a friend; these are small but done with purpose and heart, have a huge impact. These are seeds of kindness and connection and when planted, our wellbeing is nourished and humankind blooms.

In the words of the great Maya Angelou, ‘People will forget what you said, people will forget wat you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’  We can bring a touch of magic to another’s life, nourishing the wellbeing of the recipient and you along the way. It might be an intuitive connection, it maybe an obvious desire to light a candle in someone else’ storm, to provide strength in a time of need. Whatever the reason or motive, the empowering effect of human interaction and connection cannot be underestimated. Nothing replaces a micro-connection that resonates and speaks to you, that holds your attention and proclaims resolutely, ‘you are not not holding up the sky alone.’

It requires vulnerability and bravery to reach out and extend a hand and the reward is a mutual nurturing of mental and emotional wellbeing. If we recognise in each other that we face similar challenges and give ourselves permission to smile, touch, speak kindly, listen faithfully, if we can tune in and dial up the instinct to care, kindness will grow, flourish and bloom.

Ways to nurture and grow kindness

• Carry out some voluntary work

• Connect with the older generation

• Encourage and foster intergenerational connections

• Send someone a handwritten letter

• Make an unannounced visit

• Remember the little things that matter

• Create something with your own hands

• Share a compliment, with a stranger, don’t keep it in your head

• Pause and unmute to have a meaningful conversation